 Ever felt like your child has just unloaded a full artillery of bullets on your head just because you ran out of ketchup? Ever felt like the student in front of you hates you as he unloads reams of words that even the Urban Dictionary would have difficulty putting in print? Has it left you reeling? Bewildered? At a total loss as to what to do, say or feel?
Developing emotional intelligence in children can be an overwhelming and daunting journey. But so crucial in creating well adapted, strong and capable children. Here are 4 first steps to begin your journey. 1) Empathise It can be so hard to live in the knowledge that you can’t “do” anything about the pain, struggle or challenge that the child in front of you is in. But what if you consider that your job is not to protect them from that pain, struggle or challenge, rather your job is to help them cope with the feelings of shame that come from these struggles and challenges? To enable them to gain perspective, tolerate their difficult feelings and learn that they will survive the big emotions they are currently experiencing. What if you began to realise that the most valuable “what can I do” is to empathise with what they are experiencing. Just being understood helps small (and big) humans let go of troubling emotions. If the reaction seems out of proportion then remember we all bottle up big feelings until we are in a safe enough place to let them go. And if you are that safe haven - then you are doing something right. But it can still sting like a bugger when those feelings are all laser focused in your direction at once. Empathising doesn’t mean you have to agree with the child, but you do have to appreciate the situation from their side. They may have to toe your line when it comes to house or school rules, boundaries are important and children need them to feel safe and secure, but they are still entitled to have feelings about your rules. And as long as they aren’t breaking any other rules such as damaging stuff or physically harming people then give them a private space to express their feelings to you. And remember, what you experience as anger (a surface or psuedo-emotion) is always underpinned by a real emotion - for example hurt, disappointment, sadness, fear or frustration and sometimes in my case, hunger!! We've all heard of hangry right? Why this encourages emotional intelligence: * Feeling understood helps children to feel soothed. Over time that neural pathway you are teaching them to strengthen is what they will use to soothe themselves as they get older. The more you soothe them the stronger that neural pathway gets, a little like a new path that gets carved out on a trek by years of people using that shortcut through. * Children develop empathy by experiencing it from others. Role modelling - plain and simple - children will learn more from what you do, than what you say. My son is a classic example of this, with his Autism he is a visual learner, and he is into repetition BIG time. I see and hear my behaviour in him daily often in the exact words that I use, which admittedly can be a little self confronting, especially when its a frustrated word that has slipped out and been muttered under my breath. He has ears like Batfink! * Helping your child to think about their experiences and what happened that they feel this way about it, teaches them to connect triggers, to feelings, to behaviours. Being able to name the feeling allows them to express it which externalises it so they don’t have to bottle it up internally like a pressure cooker. When a child can say what they feel, they can communicate problems more clearly and immediately to others, which prevents the escalation of behaviour which goes a little like this. I have a scowl on my face because I am not happy. You don't see my scowl? OK, now I am stomping around with a scowl on my face because I am not happy. You don't hear my stomps or see my scowl? OK, now I am stomping around, with a scowl on my face and kicking things because I am not happy. You don't see my scowl, or hear my stomps or see me kicking things? Ok now I will scowl, stomp, and kick YOUR things. Ah! Now you notice I am unhappy. Pro tip - when you see the unhappy behaviour - name it straight away, over time children will learn it is safe to name feelings, and that when they do, things get done to help. 2) Allow expression Don’t dismiss, trivialise or shame your child’s feelings. “Big boys don’t cry” or “shhh don’t make a fuss” are stifling responses to a child’s way to express their emotions. Firstly it shames them, which has a very destructive impact on their self identity, and secondly it encourages them to deny the validity of their feelings. For more on this check out our training on Restorative Practices in particular the process of shame, unresolved shame and the impact on growth mindsets. Just think how important it is in today’s environment of increasing suicidal ideation in children, that we don’t prevent our children from getting big emotions out and not bottling them in until they can no longer cope. Repressed feelings don't fade away, like feelings that have been freely expressed do. Instead they spill out uncontrollably, and unexpectedly when a child suddenly hits another child, starts to have nightmares or develops anxious behavioural patterns. By the same token think about the message we are sending to a child who is feeling scared of a predatory adult if we teach them “not to make a fuss”. Children, especially young children aren’t able to differentiate between what is something you should make a fuss about and something they shouldn’t. Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable, part of being human and have the right to be expressed, even while some actions must be limited. Why this encourages emotional intelligence: * Your tolerance of your child’s emotions helps your child to tolerate their own emotions too. This tolerance is what enables us to sit with the emotions until they can accept them and then move on. This is emotional regulation. * Your acceptance enables your child to realise that emotions are not shameful or bad, and that they can with time and support change, reduce or become less acute. They also learn that everyone has difficult feelings and even the not nice parts of our personalities do not make us bad, just human. 3) Listen to your child’s feelings. All behaviour is communication and if you don’t listen to and reflect the child’s feelings back to them, they will continue to express their feelings in every escalated ways until the message they are trying to communicate lands and you get it. Once they feel they’ve been heard, they will let them go and get on with their life. This means creating an environment in which your child feels you are genuinely present and listening to them. So put the phone away, turn the TV off, ask the question. Why this encourages emotional intelligence: * The natural flow of human emotions is like a surfers wave. They flow through us, overwhelm us, and then fade away again. My previous post on grief, loss, divorce and corona virus deals with an example of how important and effective it is to listen to and name a child's difficult feelings. When we deny them they get stuck inside us. Children are not yet skilled in handling their strong emotions, so they try to avoid them until they feel safe enough to experience them. * When we help our children feel safe enough to feel and express their emotions, we not only relieve the toxic stress they are experiencing in their brains and bodies, but we also help them trust their own emotional capabilities, so that they can handle bigger stuff like social and intimate relationships as they get older, without destructive tantrums or repression. 4) Teach problem solving Emotions are messages to communicate needs and wants. Teach your child to tolerate the emotions so they can express their needs and wants while realising they may not have them all met all of the time, and once they aren’t in the grip of intense emotion anymore, to problem-solve and take action if necessary. Most of the time, once the child feels their emotions are understood and accepted, they quieten and lose their intensity. This creates space for problem solving. Sometimes, kids can do this themselves. Sometimes, they need your help to formulate possible options. Resist giving them the answers unless they ask or there is an immediate safety issue as this communicates that you believe they are incapable of handling it themselves and this will create a fixed mindset of “can / can’t” instead of a growth mindset of “can’t yet.” Why this encourages emotional intelligence: * Children need to practice how to find constructive solutions to problems and that means we have to model it for them and allow them the space to struggle. * Research shows that empathising with children is not enough because they still feel lost and overwhelmed in their their emotions. Teaching them to respect their feelings as alerts about things they need to do differently in their lives increases their sense that they have the ability to influence and change their experiences. This personal power (so important for every human being's sense of safety and security) or self-efficacy is crucial in children feeling capable, confident and empowered. LJ Sayers is a restorative practitioner, trainer, mum, partner, mediocre saxophonist and excellent chocolate quality controller. You can contact her for more information on training and consultancy services at [email protected]
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