Why Why? Might be the wrong question

​Photo by Felipe Simo on Unsplash

​Do you find yourself asking the why question a lot?  Why did you do that?   Why haven’t you cleaned your teeth?  Why did you slam the door?  Why didn’t you finish your homework?  Why didn’t you come home when we agreed?  If so, you’re not alone. But have you ever stopped to wonder: Is “why” the best question to ask in these moments?
Why “Why” Falls Short - 

It’s a processing question.
The word why invites someone to reflect and make sense of their behaviour.  But in the heat of the moment - especially during conflict or tension - we are often not accessing the logical reasoning part of our brain (the prefrontal cortex), instead, we are operating from our emotional brain (the limbic system), where feelings like frustration, fear or shame dominate.

It can feel accusatory.
​Even when we don’t mean it that way, why can sound like an accusation. It puts people on the defensive, closes down communication, and hinders connection. As the International Institute for Restorative Practice explains, "accusatory language often triggers the “fight, flight, or freeze” response, which makes problem-solving harder."

What To Ask Instead
In restorative practice - whether in schools, parenting, workplaces, or communities - we use a different set of questions. These are designed to:

• Connect the emotional (right) and logical (left) sides of the brain
• Encourage reflection without blame or shame 
• Open up communication, build understanding, and support repair

Restorative questions include:

• What happened?
• What were you thinking at the time?
• What have you thought about since?
• Who has been affected and how?
• What needs to happen to make things right?

These questions foster accountability, empathy, and growth in a way that why often fails to do.

The Power of Restorative Conversations
When we move away from accusatory questioning towards curiosity and connection, we create space for:

• Genuine dialogue
• Mutual understanding
• Opportunities for learning and repair

And that’s what makes restorative practice so effective in any situation, personal or business.
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LJ Sayers is a restorative practitioner, trainer and consultant, living in Northern Ireland.  She is a wife to JP (her rock), a mum to J (her reason and purpose), a Covid Redundant Hugger, Storyteller and Chief Quality Controller of all chocolate in her household.