What lies beneath: A Trauma-Informed Perspective

Photo by Brian Emery on Unsplash

Children’s behaviour is always a form of communication. It’s their way of telling us how they feel and what they need. If their initial, more convenient attempts to express these needs go unnoticed or are misunderstood, they will often resort to more inconvenient behaviours—not because they want to misbehave, but because they’ve learned those strategies are more effective at getting a response.

By the time some children reach our schools, communities and work places, they’ve already internalised the message that challenging behaviour gets results, often more quickly than quiet requests or polite expressions.

Much like an iceberg, behaviour is only the visible tip. The deeper truths - emotions, thoughts, unmet needs - lie beneath the surface. If we dig down and respond to what’s under the behaviour, we don’t just “manage” it - we transform it.

What Lies Beneath: Dreikurs’ Four Goals of Misbehaviour.  Renowned Austrian psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs proposed that children’s "misbehaviour" is not random, but a purposeful attempt to meet unmet needs or manage distressing feelings. He identified four common goals behind challenging behaviour:

1. Incapability – "I feel useless."
2. Disconnection – "I need to belong."
3. Injustice – "I’ve been wronged."
4. Insecurity – "I don’t feel safe or in control."

These insights remain foundational to trauma-informed and restorative practice frameworks used by practitioners today.

“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.” – African Proverb

Incapability: The Child Who Feels “Not Good Enough"

• When children feel incapable, they often give up, withdraw, or sabotage their own efforts. You may notice frustration, avoidance, or self-deprecating language like “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do this.”
• You may feel helpless or irritated in response - often mirroring how they feel inside.

What they need:

• Encouragement not false praise.
• Normalise mistakes.
• Focus on effort over outcomes.
• Share stories of famous failures who turned setbacks into triumphs—Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Stephen King, and more.
• Most importantly, share your own failures. When children hear that trusted adults have made mistakes and recovered, it builds connection and hope.

Strategies:

• Use growth mindset language: “You haven’t mastered it yet.”
• Talk about strengths alongside areas of development.
• Create a safe space to try, fail, and try again.

Disconnection: The Child Who Craves Attention

• Attention-seeking behaviour is often mislabelled as manipulative or annoying. But attention is a core human need - especially for children. If they can’t get positive attention, they will settle for negative attention.
• Ignoring attention-seeking behaviour may stop it temporarily, but often it resurfaces in more disruptive ways—or mutates into a different behaviour, like power struggles or withdrawal.

What they need:

• Connection.
• Recognition.
• Visibility - to be seen, noticed, included 

Strategies:

• Offer genuine praise for small efforts.
• Give attention for anything other than negative behaviour: “How was your football match?” "Did you watch that film we were talking about - what did you think about it?"
• Invite contribution: “Can you help me with this message that keeps popping up on my computer?"
• Notice them often - especially when things are going well.
• Tip: If a child is irritating you, that may be a sign they are feeling overlooked. Reframe the irritation as a signpost, not an obstacle.

Revenge: The Child Who Feels Hurt or Wronged

• Children acting out in vengeful ways are not “bad” - they are often deeply hurt. This behaviour is rooted in a perceived (or real) injustice. They may lash out at adults who represent authority, or at peers who trigger feelings of exclusion or shame.
• Even if the behaviour targets you, the root cause may lie elsewhere: a painful experience with a caregiver, teacher, or other trusted figure.

What they need:

• Empathy.
• Validation.
• A chance to be heard.

Strategies:

• Hold space for their pain. Let them tell their story.
• Avoid retaliation or shaming - this reinforces the injustice.
• Think of the brain like a busy road junction. Until their own hurt is addressed, children can’t “merge” into empathy for others.  Once their emotional “junction” is cleared, they’ll be better able to understand how they may have hurt others.

Insecurity: The Child Who Seeks Control

• Power struggles are not about defiance - they are about safety. Children who feel powerless will try to assert control wherever they can: refusing to comply, challenging rules, testing boundaries.
• If you respond with stricter control, the child feels less safe—and the cycle continues.

What they need:

• Predictability.
• Choice.
• Structure with flexibility.

Strategies:

• Offer clear choices within boundaries: “You can do this task now or after a break.”
• Engage them in decisions when possible: “Should we do this activity or that one first?”
• Prepare for boundary testing - it’s how children check if they’re secure, like tugging a seatbelt before a rollercoaster ride.  Children test boundaries not to break them, but to check if they’re safe.

The Takeaway: Behaviour Is a Language
When we shift our lens from what a child is doing to why they are doing it, we unlock the power to build trust, promote learning, and reduce disruptive behaviour through connection, not control.

This is the foundation of trauma-informed and needs-led restorative practice - a framework increasingly endorsed in education, youth work and family services globally.  For more information, see:
​

• Beacon House’s trauma resources
• The Centre for Restorative Justice
• Child Trauma Academy – Dr. Bruce Perry

Together, we can move from managing behaviour to understanding and transforming it - one connection at a time.

LJ Sayers is a restorative practitioner, trainer, and consultant based in Northern Ireland. Partner to JP, mum to J, Covid-redundant hugger, and Chief Quality Controller of all chocolate in her household.

Want to Learn More?  If you are looking to develop your understanding of trauma-informed, needs-led restorative practice, get in touch. ​

Contact Linda