It’s Not Rocket Science: Why Parenting Is Simple (But Not Easy)

Parenting isn’t rocket science - but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. And when something isn’t easy, it’s best to keep it simple.

Dr. Bruce Perry, renowned child psychiatrist and trauma expert, developed a powerful framework for emotional regulation - a vital skill for children and adults in managing relationships, whether they bring joy or trauma. His 3R’s of Emotional Stability offer a clear, science-backed roadmap.

The 3R’s of Emotional Regulation
Regulate
Relate
Reason
These steps reflect the order in which our brain develops and functions. Let’s break it down - watch out here comes the "sciencey" bit:

The Sciencey Bit
Understanding how children’s brains work helps us guide them effectively:
1) Brainstem & Diencephalon – The first to develop, managing survival functions like heart rate, breathing, and temperature. These are automatic - no conscious thought involved.  Basically this is like a venus fly trap - tickle it and it will react.
2) Limbic System – The emotional centre. Kids live here most of the time, navigating a storm of feelings. For children who’ve experienced trauma, multiply that storm by (oh I dunno - pick a number - any number - but make it a high one).  
3) Neocortex – The last to develop (matures around age 25 - 32 - depending on whether they are first born, female or have experienced trauma - for more on this check out here), handling reasoning, risk assessment, problem-solving, and empathy. Think about what you’re asking of a toddler, tween, teen or young adult when you expect them to work it all out alone!

The Harvard Center on the Developing Child emphasises that emotional regulation underpins resilience and well-being.

Risk Enough to Learn, But Stay Safe Enough to Grow
Supporting children’s emotional development means helping them take just enough risk to learn while staying safe. By linking outward behaviours to what’s happening inside, we can better understand their needs and offer meaningful support.  The younger the child, the more co-regulation they need before they can self-regulate.

Simple does not equal Easy
While Dr. Perry’s 3R’s may sound straightforward:

1) Help your child regulate their emotions
2) Relate to how they’re feeling
3) Reason together to find solutions

…it’s far from easy.

You must
1) Manage your own emotions first
2) Sit with their uncomfortable feelings (without rushing to fix)
3) Help them imagine solutions, weigh outcomes, and try it out … and sometimes fail
Remember: Failure isn’t failure. When coached through with someone else it’s just another learning opportunity.

The Most Precious Gift: Time
The heart of this process is relating—and that takes time. Kids need to relate with someone. And while time-consuming, this builds emotional skills that reduce the load for you later, when the stakes are higher.

The Child Mind Institute highlights that co-regulation builds long-term emotional resilience.

A Real-Life Example: The Managing Friendships Conversation
Here’s how the 3R’s played out when my 10-year-old, had a school issue (names changed!):

J: So I'm not going back to school
Me: Oh? You sound very sure about that.
​J: Yep. I hate school, I want to go to a different school.
Me: Really? You sound sad about school. What's happened that you feel so sad?
J: I am sad - Jimmy keeps calling me names - he says I am a rubbish baseball player and I can't play their games - he leaves me out and tells the others to not let me play.
Me: (Stifling my inner mama bear roar and with an ache in my heart - I take a deep, deep, deep, breath) That sounds horrible - that must make you feel very sad.
J: It does - I hate him - I don't want to go back to school.
Me: Ok, I can understand that. I can see you feel very sad and a bit angry about this too.
J: Mmmmmm.
Me:  And maybe left out too?  And disappointed? 
J: Yes – I’m not going back to school ever again.
Me:  I understand.  So where does this happen in school?
J: In the playground, at lunch time and break time.
Me: Let’s think about what you could do about it?  What do you want to do most?
J: I could punch him in the nose.
Me: Ummm. Yeah - you could - and then what would happen?
J: He will feel as bad as me.
Me: Yep, he sure would, what else would happen?
J: I'd get in trouble with the principal.
Me: Yeah, I think you would. Would anyone else feel upset if you punched someone in the nose?
J: Nana?
Me: Yeah I think she would. Is there anything else you could do?
J: I could go Turbo Ape and scream at him.
Me: Wow - Turbo ape - that sounds erm, dangerous?
J: (Excited now) Yeah, I would just kick and punch and throw my arms about like a windmill.
Me: Oh that sounds noisy. 
J: Yeah.  It’s like Donkey Kong on Turbo power.
Me: Is that how Jimmy makes you feel?
J: (thinks for a minute - he does this with great dramatic effect - visualise Rodin's "The Thinker"). Well no, but I do want him to stop calling me names.
Me: Of course you do – I do too. (Silent pause)
J: I could tell the teacher. But I don't want to be a snitch.
Me: How bad does what is going on with Jimmy  make you feel on a scale of 1-10?
J: About a 6
Me: How bad does being a snitch make you feel?
J: About the same
Me: Oooh tough choice. That's hard. What are you going to do?
J: I could tell Jimmy he is being a D***.
Me: Okaaaay. Is there another word you could use?
J: Horrible?
Me: Mmmmm... what do you think will happen next if you do that?
J: Shrugs - he might stop.
Me: What friends have you around that would stick up for you?
J: Adam and Joseph.
Me: Do you think it would be better to have them around or not when you tell Jimmy to stop being horrible?
J: Probably be around.
Me: Mmmm.
J: Yawns... I'm tired.
Me: Yeah me too - get some sleep.

The solution is not in the outcome, it's in the process 
Now bearing in mind, none of what J came up with here is an actual solution to what Jimmy was doing to him at school. The more gentle "please stop" was likely to be ineffective, and the "punch in the nose" tactic was likely to escalate things and result in a phone call from the principal - so also ineffective.

However, what was achieved and what is so, so, SO important is that J began to see he had options.  He was not trapped. His options were not all great ones, most of them would be entirely ineffective and on some level he probably knew this, but from this conversation he got 3 very important things.

1. Regulation - he put words to feelings inside him allowing him to externalise (put outside of his head) his emotions and this helps to de-intensify them. (Brains are a little like pressure cookers - building a worst case scenario until you let out a little steam - or explode);
2. Relationship - He did not feel alone anymore with this huge problem he was facing, even though he had to face it on his own.  He knew someone else was on his side, understood him, and was there to help him deal with the outcome;
3. Reason - He knew he had options which gave him a sense of control, and in turn confidence to do something.

These three things moved him from feeling like a passive victim - to feeling like an active player in the outcome.  This very process raises self esteem and confidence and increases the likelihood that this will translate in his body language and attitude to Jimmy. 
 
The reality of the outplay
So what actually happened?
J: Hey Jimmy - I'm sorry we weren't getting on very well last week, I'd like to be friends.  
Jimmy: Sure. Do you want to bat?

Parenting with the 3R’s - Regulate, Relate, Reason - isn’t easy. But it’s powerful. Your time, presence, and guidance equip your child with emotional tools that last a lifetime.

LJ Sayers is a restorative practitioner, trainer, and consultant based in Northern Ireland. Partner to JP, mum to J, Covid-redundant hugger, and Chief Quality Controller of all chocolate in her household.

​Want to build emotional regulation skills at home, school or in your workplace? Get in touch for tailored training and consultancy.

Contact Linda