“I'm Soooorrrry!” – When Someone’s Apology Doesn’t Feel Genuine

Without fail, at every single training session I deliver - whether it’s in a school staffroom or over lukewarm tea with parents - or with a manager someone will inevitably say:
“They don’t mean it when they apologise. It’s not genuine. They just say it to get off the hook.” or any number of variations of these.
My response is always the same. "Did you tell them how you were hurt?  Or did you just tell them they were out of line?"
Because here’s the rub: when a someone’s apology feels flat or forced, it’s not usually because they’re a  sociopath in the making. It’s because a crucial part of the restorative process (healing the harm) has been missed - or (more often) avoided entirely.

What’s Actually Missing From “I’m Sorry”  
Most apologies people give are admissions of guilt, not true repair attempts. They sound like:

• “I’m sorry I swore at you.”
• “I’m sorry I ignored you.”
• "I'm sorry I hit you"
• “I’m sorry I laughed at you.”
• “I’m sorry I stole from you.”

These are steps in the right direction.  But they stop short.  What’s missing is empathy, and more specifically, a connection between action and emotional impact - the cornerstone of restorative practice.
Now imagine instead:

• “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I swore at you.”
• “I’m sorry you felt unimportant when I ignored you.”
• "I'm sorry I scared you when I hit you."
• “I’m sorry I humiliated you in front of everyone when I laughed at you.”
• “I’m sorry I broke your trust when I stole from you.”

This is accountability. This is emotional intelligence.  And according to research in child development and conflict resolution, this is what leads to real behavioural change and stronger relationships (Child Mind Institute).

The Role of the Hurt Person in the Healing  
A child (or adult) can't magically know how their actions affected someone unless they’re told. So when a teacher,  parent or manager tells me someone's apology wasn’t genuine, I ask:
“Did you say how it hurt you?”
Because that is where the repair begins. When someone who is hurt has the courage (and space) to say, “You scared me,” or “I felt humiliated,” it gives the other person a bridge to walk over.
And yes, it can feel wildly vulnerable to say to someone who has hurt you:

• “You made me feel small.”
• “You pulled the rug from under me.”
• “You really crushed me with that.”
• "You humiliated me."

But this kind of truth-telling is the heart of restorative practice, not just in schools, but in life.  According to the Restorative Justice Council, the power of naming harm and allowing a structured path to repair has profound effects on both parties’ development, empathy, and future conflict resolution.  

Restoration Happens in the Mess
Conflict is messy. So is connection. But we must stand in that mess with those people we care about, are responsible for and are connected to, whether that be our young people, our colleagues, or our friends.  The circle - whether it’s literal or metaphorical - is where the learning happens.
As Brené Brown puts it:
"Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness."
And it’s in these moments - sitting knee-to-knee with a person who has hurt someone - that we model what it means to be brave, accountable, and human.

So, Where Do We Begin?
Start by teaching your children, students, colleagues, that apology is more than a word - it’s a conversation. One that invites the hurt person to speak, the person who caused harm to listen, and both to walk away feeling seen.  

LJ Sayers is a restorative trainer, mum to J, wife to JP, a COVID-redundant hugger, and the chief quality controller of all chocolate in her household.

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If you're interested in learning more about how restorative practices can strengthen relationships in your classroom, your home, or even your staff team, get in touch. I offer training that blends humour, honesty, and real tools you can use from day one.

Email Linda