 Photo by Brian Emery on Unsplash Children’s behaviour is always a form of communication. It’s their way of telling us how they feel and what they need. If their initial, more convenient attempts to express these needs go unnoticed or are misunderstood, they will often resort to more inconvenient behaviours—not because they want to misbehave, but because they’ve learned those strategies are more effective at getting a response. By the time some children reach our schools, communities and work places, they’ve already internalised the message that challenging behaviour gets results, often more quickly than quiet requests or polite expressions. Much like an iceberg, behaviour is only the visible tip. The deeper truths - emotions, thoughts, unmet needs - lie beneath the surface. If we dig down and respond to what’s under the behaviour, we don’t just “manage” it - we transform it. What Lies Beneath: Dreikurs’ Four Goals of Misbehaviour. Renowned Austrian psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs proposed that children’s "misbehaviour" is not random, but a purposeful attempt to meet unmet needs or manage distressing feelings. He identified four common goals behind challenging behaviour:
These insights remain foundational to trauma-informed and restorative practice frameworks used by practitioners today. “The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.” – African Proverb Incapability: The Child Who Feels “Not Good Enough"
What they need:
Strategies:
Disconnection: The Child Who Craves Attention
What they need:
Strategies:
Revenge: The Child Who Feels Hurt or Wronged
What they need:
Strategies:
Insecurity: The Child Who Seeks Control
What they need:
Strategies:
The Takeaway: Behaviour Is a Language When we shift our lens from what a child is doing to why they are doing it, we unlock the power to build trust, promote learning, and reduce disruptive behaviour through connection, not control. This is the foundation of trauma-informed and needs-led restorative practice - a framework increasingly endorsed in education, youth work and family services globally. For more information, see:
Together, we can move from managing behaviour to understanding and transforming it - one connection at a time. LJ Sayers is a restorative practitioner, trainer, and consultant based in Northern Ireland. Partner to JP, mum to J, Covid-redundant hugger, and Chief Quality Controller of all chocolate in her household.
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 Parenting isn’t rocket science - but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. And when something isn’t easy, it’s best to keep it simple.
Dr. Bruce Perry, renowned child psychiatrist and trauma expert, developed a powerful framework for emotional regulation - a vital skill for children and adults in managing relationships, whether they bring joy or trauma. His 3R’s of Emotional Stability offer a clear, science-backed roadmap. The 3R’s of Emotional Regulation Regulate Relate Reason These steps reflect the order in which our brain develops and functions. Let’s break it down - watch out here comes the "sciencey" bit: The Sciencey Bit Understanding how children’s brains work helps us guide them effectively: 1) Brainstem & Diencephalon – The first to develop, managing survival functions like heart rate, breathing, and temperature. These are automatic - no conscious thought involved. Basically this is like a venus fly trap - tickle it and it will react. 2) Limbic System – The emotional centre. Kids live here most of the time, navigating a storm of feelings. For children who’ve experienced trauma, multiply that storm by (oh I dunno - pick a number - any number - but make it a high one). 3) Neocortex – The last to develop (matures around age 25 - 32 - depending on whether they are first born, female or have experienced trauma - for more on this check out here), handling reasoning, risk assessment, problem-solving, and empathy. Think about what you’re asking of a toddler, tween, teen or young adult when you expect them to work it all out alone! The Harvard Center on the Developing Child emphasises that emotional regulation underpins resilience and well-being. Risk Enough to Learn, But Stay Safe Enough to Grow Supporting children’s emotional development means helping them take just enough risk to learn while staying safe. By linking outward behaviours to what’s happening inside, we can better understand their needs and offer meaningful support. The younger the child, the more co-regulation they need before they can self-regulate. Simple does not equal Easy While Dr. Perry’s 3R’s may sound straightforward: 1) Help your child regulate their emotions 2) Relate to how they’re feeling 3) Reason together to find solutions …it’s far from easy. You must 1) Manage your own emotions first 2) Sit with their uncomfortable feelings (without rushing to fix) 3) Help them imagine solutions, weigh outcomes, and try it out … and sometimes fail Remember: Failure isn’t failure. When coached through with someone else it’s just another learning opportunity. The Most Precious Gift: Time The heart of this process is relating—and that takes time. Kids need to relate with someone. And while time-consuming, this builds emotional skills that reduce the load for you later, when the stakes are higher. The Child Mind Institute highlights that co-regulation builds long-term emotional resilience. A Real-Life Example: The Managing Friendships Conversation Here’s how the 3R’s played out when my 10-year-old, had a school issue (names changed!): J: So I'm not going back to school Me: Oh? You sound very sure about that. J: Yep. I hate school, I want to go to a different school. Me: Really? You sound sad about school. What's happened that you feel so sad? J: I am sad - Jimmy keeps calling me names - he says I am a rubbish baseball player and I can't play their games - he leaves me out and tells the others to not let me play. Me: (Stifling my inner mama bear roar and with an ache in my heart - I take a deep, deep, deep, breath) That sounds horrible - that must make you feel very sad. J: It does - I hate him - I don't want to go back to school. Me: Ok, I can understand that. I can see you feel very sad and a bit angry about this too. J: Mmmmmm. Me: And maybe left out too? And disappointed? J: Yes – I’m not going back to school ever again. Me: I understand. So where does this happen in school? J: In the playground, at lunch time and break time. Me: Let’s think about what you could do about it? What do you want to do most? J: I could punch him in the nose. Me: Ummm. Yeah - you could - and then what would happen? J: He will feel as bad as me. Me: Yep, he sure would, what else would happen? J: I'd get in trouble with the principal. Me: Yeah, I think you would. Would anyone else feel upset if you punched someone in the nose? J: Nana? Me: Yeah I think she would. Is there anything else you could do? J: I could go Turbo Ape and scream at him. Me: Wow - Turbo ape - that sounds erm, dangerous? J: (Excited now) Yeah, I would just kick and punch and throw my arms about like a windmill. Me: Oh that sounds noisy. J: Yeah. It’s like Donkey Kong on Turbo power. Me: Is that how Jimmy makes you feel? J: (thinks for a minute - he does this with great dramatic effect - visualise Rodin's "The Thinker"). Well no, but I do want him to stop calling me names. Me: Of course you do – I do too. (Silent pause) J: I could tell the teacher. But I don't want to be a snitch. Me: How bad does what is going on with Jimmy make you feel on a scale of 1-10? J: About a 6 Me: How bad does being a snitch make you feel? J: About the same Me: Oooh tough choice. That's hard. What are you going to do? J: I could tell Jimmy he is being a D***. Me: Okaaaay. Is there another word you could use? J: Horrible? Me: Mmmmm... what do you think will happen next if you do that? J: Shrugs - he might stop. Me: What friends have you around that would stick up for you? J: Adam and Joseph. Me: Do you think it would be better to have them around or not when you tell Jimmy to stop being horrible? J: Probably be around. Me: Mmmm. J: Yawns... I'm tired. Me: Yeah me too - get some sleep. The solution is not in the outcome, it's in the process Now bearing in mind, none of what J came up with here is an actual solution to what Jimmy was doing to him at school. The more gentle "please stop" was likely to be ineffective, and the "punch in the nose" tactic was likely to escalate things and result in a phone call from the principal - so also ineffective. However, what was achieved and what is so, so, SO important is that J began to see he had options. He was not trapped. His options were not all great ones, most of them would be entirely ineffective and on some level he probably knew this, but from this conversation he got 3 very important things.
These three things moved him from feeling like a passive victim - to feeling like an active player in the outcome. This very process raises self esteem and confidence and increases the likelihood that this will translate in his body language and attitude to Jimmy. The reality of the outplay So what actually happened? J: Hey Jimmy - I'm sorry we weren't getting on very well last week, I'd like to be friends. Jimmy: Sure. Do you want to bat? Parenting with the 3R’s - Regulate, Relate, Reason - isn’t easy. But it’s powerful. Your time, presence, and guidance equip your child with emotional tools that last a lifetime. LJ Sayers is a restorative practitioner, trainer, and consultant based in Northern Ireland. Partner to JP, mum to J, Covid-redundant hugger, and Chief Quality Controller of all chocolate in her household.  Photo by - Roman Odintsov on Pexels Dr. Marc Brackett, founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, made a sobering discovery: most adults he spoke with could only name three emotions. Just three. That’s a little depressing, isn’t it?
And it gets worse. While sharing a coffee with my colleague Howard, he shared his own observation. In his work with kids across Northern Ireland, those three emotions often get boiled down even further to just two: “Sweet” (local translation: good) “Sh1te” (local translation: not so good) So why does this matter? Why is emotional intelligence - the ability to recognise and describe emotions in ourselves and others - so vital? Let’s explore five powerful reasons highlighted by Dr. Brackett, that shows just how essential emotional skills are in today’s world. 1) Emotions Affect Our Ability to Pay Attention If you’re feeling anxious, bored, afraid, or agitated, concentrating is tough. Picture trying to follow a lesson on Pythagoras’ Theorem while your mind is full of worry - almost impossible! Neuroscience research such as reported in the Journal of Cognitive Psychology confirms that emotions directly impact executive functions like focus, working memory, and self-regulation. Emotional awareness can sharpen attention and help us stay present, whether we’re in the classroom, at work, or navigating daily life. 2) Emotions Shape Our Decision Making Good mood? You’re more optimistic, solution-focused, and open to positive risk-taking. Bad mood? You’re more problem-focused, risk-averse, and likely to see obstacles rather than opportunities. Our mood becomes the lens through which we assess choices. Psychologists World reports, emotional states influence judgments, from everyday decisions to life-changing ones. 3) Emotions Strengthen (or Strain) Our Relationships Our micro-expressions and tone send constant signals - inviting connection or pushing others away. Emotional intelligence helps us form supportive, healthy relationships, which are key to resilience and well-being. As the Greater Good Science Center highlights, emotional skills like empathy foster social bonds and reduce conflict. 4) Emotions Impact Our Physical and Mental Health Ever met a “mood hoover”? Someone who seems to suck the energy out of a room? The emotional climate we create affects anxiety, stress levels, and even physical health. Aim to be a good feelings radiator - someone who uplifts and energises. The Science of People explain how emotional contagion is real: how we mirror others and moods spread through groups like wildfire. 5) Emotions Influence Our Performance and Creativity Today’s employers prize flexibility, innovation, and teamwork - all of which thrive in emotionally intelligent individuals. As Marc Brackett puts it: “Even if you didn’t need emotional intelligence to get into your ideal school - you will need it to get out!” Forbes in their article reinforces this: how emotional intelligence drives leadership, collaboration, and creative problem-solving, leading to increased engagement, and employee wellbeing. Emotional intelligence isn’t a “nice to have.” It’s a must-have for success in school, work, and life. The good news? Emotional intelligence can be developed at any age. Through mindful practice, reflection, and tools like emotion journals or the Yale Center’s RULER approach, we can all grow this essential skill. LJ Sayers is a restorative practitioner, trainer, and consultant based in Northern Ireland. Partner to JP, mum to J, Covid-redundant hugger, and Chief Quality Controller of all chocolate in her household.  Photo by Felipe Simo on Unsplash Do you find yourself asking the why question a lot? Why did you do that? Why haven’t you cleaned your teeth? Why did you slam the door? Why didn’t you finish your homework? Why didn’t you come home when we agreed? If so, you’re not alone. But have you ever stopped to wonder: Is “why” the best question to ask in these moments?
Why “Why” Falls Short - It’s a processing question. The word why invites someone to reflect and make sense of their behaviour. But in the heat of the moment - especially during conflict or tension - we are often not accessing the logical reasoning part of our brain (the prefrontal cortex), instead, we are operating from our emotional brain (the limbic system), where feelings like frustration, fear or shame dominate. It can feel accusatory. Even when we don’t mean it that way, why can sound like an accusation. It puts people on the defensive, closes down communication, and hinders connection. As the International Institute for Restorative Practice explains, "accusatory language often triggers the “fight, flight, or freeze” response, which makes problem-solving harder." What To Ask Instead In restorative practice - whether in schools, parenting, workplaces, or communities - we use a different set of questions. These are designed to:
The Power of Restorative Conversations When we move away from accusatory questioning towards curiosity and connection, we create space for:
And that’s what makes restorative practice so effective in any situation, personal or business. LJ Sayers is a restorative practitioner, trainer and consultant, living in Northern Ireland. She is a wife to JP (her rock), a mum to J (her reason and purpose), a Covid Redundant Hugger, Storyteller and Chief Quality Controller of all chocolate in her household.  Photo by Noémi Macavei-Katócz on Unsplash When my son burst onto the scene 6 weeks early, life was in freefall. I remember the very moment I realised I could lose him before I even met him.
Four minutes to get him out safely, and not much more time after that to make sure I could be here to meet him. I remember the consultants tone of voice as she flipped back my bed, turned to her colleague and said “get the anaesthetist now.” I remember my midwife’s face as she turned to me and said “we need to put you to sleep Linda, he’s in distress” no discussion, no explanation, just a reassuring smile, a firm squeeze, and the words “I’ll be with you all the way.” Her name was Angela. I remember grabbing her hand and pleading through tears “please get him out safe and please let me be here to meet him”. I knew we were in trouble. I didn’t understand any of it. I didn’t need to in that moment - I just needed to get through. But afterwards? I talked about this non stop. I talked about the lead up, the words they all said, their expressions, the surgeon coming to see me afterwards. Explaining everything to me. What had happened, how it had happened, what she did (she seemed very proud of the fact that she still managed to give me a “tidy C section scar”). I talked about it to my mum, my sister, my dad (poor fella) the next door neighbour, work colleagues, friends, the postman and even the lady at the bus stop. Everyone. I did not merely recount it - I relived it. I didn’t know then what I know now. I was integrating. My emotional right side of my brain was integrating with the logical and rational left side of my brain so I could understand, and regain a sense of control, predictability, of safety. I was healing. Harvard Medicine’s Annie Brewster, MD, calls this the healing power of personal narrative - using storytelling to navigate illness, trauma, and loss, restoring identity and agency. (The Healing Power of Storytelling). Authors in neuroscience have shown that when we share deeply emotional stories, the same brain regions light up in listeners through “neural coupling,” releasing oxytocin to deepen empathy. (The Neuroscience of storytelling) Deep storytelling does not just help us survive - it helps us integrate, heal, and belong. Telling my story stitches the torn edges of my right brain’s raw emotion to my left brain’s sense-making. Research into expressive writing therapy shows how weaving words around trauma reduces stress and even improves immune function. Writing Therapy: How to Write and Journal Therapeutically Scientific study confirms that structured storytelling shrinks symptoms of depression, anxiety, and PTSD, especially where there has been grief and loss The Role of Storytelling in Healing After Loss - Cremation Services of Western NY Restorative practices mirror this - offering a safe container for storytelling, for truth-telling, for bearing witness. They recreate that moment I felt with Angela - but instead of a frantic operating theatre, it happens in circles of listening, integration, and repair .What are your survival stories? Maybe it wasn’t medical - it could be a parenting meltdown in Tesco, a Zoom fail that bonded your team, or a moment when your world shook and you found your footing again. Share it - funny, fierce, resilient. Your story could drip oxytocin into someone else's despair or loneliness. Your courage might tether someone else's experience. Drop your story below. Let’s listen. Let’s laugh. Let’s heal - together. Because in shared stories, we reconnect brain to heart, chaos to coherence, isolation to community. That’s the magic of restorative practice and storytelling. Trust the process. Tell the story. And, if nothing else - laugh at how human we all are. LJ Sayers is a restorative practitioner, trainer and consultant, living in Northern Ireland. She is a wife to JP (her rock), a mum to J (her reason and purpose), a Covid Redundant Hugger, Storyteller and Chief Quality Controller of all chocolate in her household. |
